


Ever Yours, Alexander

by AWalkingParadox



Series: You Will Be Found [1]
Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 11:08:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12747108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWalkingParadox/pseuds/AWalkingParadox
Summary: Alex was tired of it all, and found a way out.





	Ever Yours, Alexander

•————•  
Alex leaned against the wall, relishing the coolness of it. He was scared, of course he was, but also peaceful. It was as if his mind was separated from his body, he saw everything through a haze, like a dream. For so long, he felt so numb, everything hidden behind a smile. Emptiness behind his faked words. Everything they know about him is a lie. You get to do that, you know? When you’re so far from the orbit, and no one can touch you, you can’t get hurt. And that’s what scares him the most, that he was so alone. He was lost. He fought a lot, verbal or physical. He relished the thrill it brought. He had brushes with death so much times, and he didn’t care. None of it matter, he didn’t matter. And there was something calm in him. He was just tired. He had nothing to lose.  
A slam of a door.   
A silhouette disappearing into the rain.  
Cries of a heartbroken wife and a sobbing child pierced the air.  
He was worthless, even his own father didn’t want him. He was the child of a whore, the bastard child, the mistake.  
His mother had died because she had given him all the medicine. It was all his fault.  
He woke to a still body. Her hand as cold as ice.  
He had never screamed so loudly before.  
Then his cousin had committed suicide. Right after he had moved. Maybe it was better if he had stayed away.  
He had hanged himself, body illuminated by the flickering lights, casting shadows against the wall.  
The Washingtons had taken him in. He had lost them too. They say it was a drunk driver, it wasn’t his fault. But they were driving home from a party, a party he had begged them to attend.   
A screeching wail pierced the night. The sound of metal against metal. Searing heat. Screams and sirens.  
A whispered “I love you” and the lights in their eyes were gone.  
It took him a moment to realise that he was crying, warm tears dripping down his face. There was a sense of hopelessness.  
All he wants is to be free.  
It scared him, the prospect of living this life. That everyday, he’s wake up to this, knowing that he had lost and will keep losing those he loved, and was powerless to stop it.  
He smiled, staring sadly at the razor in his hands. The edge gleaming in the light.   
A way out.  
He knew that his friends would miss him, but they would move on. They always do. He was just another blip in existence, useless. He didn’t matter. They deserved better.   
For what seemed like hours, he stared at the wall, memories flashing in his mind. Mouth curled into a faint smile, the voices in his head peaceful, he pressed the blade to the soft flesh.   
He watched the blood well up, falling onto the ground, the dark red glaring against the white tiles. He did the same to his other wrist.  
In what seemed like seconds, he felt his head go light, and felt himself fall, like a snowflake fluttering into the ground. Somewhere in the distance, he could hear banging, and the door had swung open.  
Blue eyes entered his view, shining like stars at night, and Alex wanted reach for them, to reach beyond the pain he felt. Instead, he smiled at them. In his mind, memories come and go.  
The day he met his friends. When he tasted his first ice cream. Slowly falling asleep to her mother’s lullaby. Squealing and giggling on the shoulders of a nameless man, a ghost from his childhood. When he first entered the Washington household. The debates he had, the thrill and adrenaline in his veins. His first kiss, under the shining moon, snowflakes falling around them, stars twinkling like diamonds.   
He hears his name being called, and says,   
I love you.  
Then darkness swallows everything whole.

-•-

My friends, I do not enough time to say everything I wish to say, but thank you for everything. You were my pillars of strength, what kept me from losing myself years ago.

The Schuyler sister,  
Eliza, you were like a sister I never had, you are loving, caring, and you’ll grow to be an amazing woman one day. You’re like a flame, burning bright and full of warmth.  
Angelica, you are fierce, independent, insistent. You are clever and intelligent, and I’ll miss you dearly.   
And Peggy, though you were years younger than me, you are maybe more wise and mature than I could ever be. Remember, age never mattered.  
Take you for the fun times.

John Laurens,  
My best friend, you were like a sun, happy and bright. You did everything with passion, and you never gave up. Keep on doing that. What others say don’t matter, it’s your heart you should follow.

Lafayette,   
You understood me in a way no one has. Maybe it was because of our backgrounds? I don’t know. But you are loyal, and did whatever you thought was right. I could not have found any better Frenchman. Keep doing what you do. À vaillant coeur rien d’impossible.

Hercules,  
You are a rock, solid and unmoving. You were my foundation, the first friend I made. You were kind to me, even when you didn’t know me. And I know some people mock you for your hobbies, but don’t listen to them. You’re an artist, Herc, you create. Don’t ever stop.

Aaron,   
You are patient, always waiting, and though it might not seem like it, I respected you for that. We had many thing in common, you and I. If only we could have been closer, but my pride always got in the way. I’m sorry. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jefferson,  
Did you think I hated you? I didn’t, I admired you, but I’d understand why you would hate me. But arguments with you are one of the few things I looked forward to, so thank you. 

Madison,  
We were close, before. I’m sorry that I distanced myself. Remember that day when Monroe was making fun of my mother and calling her a whore and calling me a bastard? Then I burst into tears, and our classmates started to make fun of me, but you stood up for me? You and Jefferson both. That was the same day my mother had died, and I was feeling particularly low, so thank you. Thank you for standing up for me when I, myself, couldn’t.

Maria,   
I know you’re going through a rough time, but it’ll be better. My friends can help you. Don’t give up. Live for me.

 

I’m sorry I had to leave you all, and I’m sorry it had to be this way. You were what I cling to on my darkest days, a beacon of light in the darkness. 

Adieu, My friends,  
Ever yours,  
Alexander.

 

•————•

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a mess since I don’t know how to italicise


End file.
